Holidays

It’s the most annoying time of the year.

I had a few rants about Christmas and other holidays. I decided to consolidate them into a single rant, capturing my feelings about holidays.


It’s Christmas time again. Lights adorn houses and apartment balconies. Stockings and tinsel line the walls of houses and restaurants. Stores proudly display signs of “Happy Holidays” and “50% Off” in their windows.

Ramadan, Christmas, and Hanukkah all occur this time of year. Christians and Jews often forget Hanukkah is a very minor holiday that has been blown out of proportion because of its proximity to Christmas. And what about Kwanzaa and the winter solstice? I don’t hear much fuss about those celebrations. How many people do you know that hang lights on their house celebrating Ramadan?

And so the phrase “the spirit of the holidays” has little meaning for me when all that I see are Christmas lights and the occasional “Happy Hanukkah” signs. What makes this time of year so special except that it occurs near the time of the supposed birth of Christ? If that’s the only reason I get a week of vacation next week, then you can take it back.

Also, why is it only during this time of year do people feel inclined to “get into the spirit of the season?” Why can’t they feel like that all year long? Why don’t those Salvation Army bell ringers stay outside all year long? I bet their donations increase ten-fold during the month of December, if not more. But if people were constantly reminded of the plight of others, maybe they wouldn’t feel so giving any more. Plus that ringing noise is REALLY annoying – I don’t think anyone wants to hear that all year long.

A friend gave me an Easter gift once that I really appreciated – these little pieces of paper with silly fake Easter pictures on them. One had Jesus hopping like a rabbit with an Easter basket and the text “Happy Easter.” The other had the same text but had a picture of an Easter bunny crucified. I liked that one best of all. Apparently these are from The Onion, so props to them…

jesusbunny

Hop, hop, hop.

easterbunny

Ain’t he cute?

I’m going to make my own Christmas pictures – Jesus crucified to a Christmas tree. Maybe even Santa crucified too… Here’s we go: Jesus is sitting in Santa’s sleigh, but the sleigh is broken and heavily damaged. The reindeer are all slaughtered, full of bullet holes, painting the snow red with their dripping blood. One of the reindeer is roasting over an open fire. Santa is dead, nailed to a cross, with a halo of christmas lights wrapped around his hat. Oh yeah, Jesus has a smoking machine gun in one hand and a blunt in the other. That’s my Christmas vision.

People all too often forget the symbolism behind the objects of the holidays. The Christmas tree was adopted from pagan holidays then given extra symbolism, wood for crucifiction, green for life and rebirth. I hope all you non-Christians who have a Christmas tree realise this before you put one in your house – they are more than simple symbols of the holiday.

At work, they’ve put a Christmas tree in the lobby, lights on the front door, and wooden reindeer in the lawn. My idea is to make wooden wolves to attack the wood reindeer then add some red paint for blood. I have friends who would help me with my idea if I asked, but I know if I did that, someone would take it too seriously and scream for blood from whoever did that. Oh well…

merry fuckin’ Christmas everyone

dave

An Open Letter

9-11

I wrote this in response to the unusual patriotism that suddenly appeared following the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center. I decided not to make any edits or changes to this from the original one. If I had written this today, I probably wouldn’t be so scathing, but I’m not going to apologize for it. By the way, this is my favorite rant of the ones I wrote to date.


Dear friends and fellow Americans,

A new patriotism has swelled in the hearts of Americans in the aftermath of the September 11th terrorist attacks. You can see it in the 7th inning stretch at baseball games as the crowd sings “God Bless America.” You can see it in the way American flags hang from car antennas and blow in the wind. You can see it in the signs that line our roads and highways:

God Bless America.
Grand Slam $2.99

We now enter a new phase in the history of our great nation. The War on Terrorism differs from any other war that we’ve faced before. Unlike our past successes in the War on Drugs, the Cold War, and the Vietnam War, this is a war with well defined objectives and a single, obvious enemy. Also, we now have the technological and military superiority that we didn’t have in those past conflicts. This will ensure our victory and strike fear into our enemies, who hide like cowards in the terrain of their native lands. The biggest difference between the War on Terrorism and our past actions is that this will be a long and extruded war, possibly encompassing years and locations worldwide, so that we can ensure the safety of Americans now and in the future.

My fellow Americans, have no fear that we will once again leave no stone unturned as we advance towards our goals in our most recent endeavors. We strongly believe that God will help us make the right decisions as we strike out at the Islamic extremists, who justify their actions as God’s will. Our military carrys God’s firey Sword of Justice that will brandish all enemies to our great country. Let us be sure that God will watch out for us as we attack these blaspheming religious zeloats. For this reason, we will surely prevail, and the Taliban will realize the err in their religious views only after they have been struck down.

The evil men who perpetuated this henious act were cowards of the greatest calibur. As I look upon the faces of my American brothers and sisters, I can see that no American would ever do something like that to a fellow American. Your government would never do anything to hurt or take advantage of the citizens of our nation. Your corporations and companies are doing everything they can to keep America running – giving up profits to prevent layoffs and helping all Americans get jobs in these trying economic times. And for the companies who are forced to let people go from their jobs, they do it only because they have to. A worker who lost his or her job must understand that the reason they lost their job was because of these terrorist acts and to not blame the company that did everything they could to prevent their job loss from happening. These layoffs by companies in our country pale in comparison to the heinous acts of terrorism imposed on us by foreign invaders.

Also know that we’re keeping an eye on your fellow American citizens, watching for anything that may seem unusual or un-American. Increased airport security and broader anti-terrorism laws give us the tools we need to keep everyone safe and prevent this from happening again. While we hope that no American would incite an attack against their own country, we still need the authority to conduct searches and investigations on any suspicious characters living within our borders. With this power comes great responsibility, and we promise not to overstep our bounds by conducting witch hunts, holding people without just cause, or create undue suspicion amongst our fellow Americans. We promise that we will be watching for terrorists, domestic or foreign, who seek to strike harm into our great nation.

Finally, let me say that although we are wholly encompassed in this War on Terrorism now, it will not be an impediment to the progress of the nation as a whole. We do realize that we have many other problems striking Americans and people around the world – AIDS, hunger, literacy and education, nuclear weapon proliferation, pollution, human rights violations, and others. We would never use these trying times as an excuse to diminish civil rights or push our own political agendas. We are looking out for Americans here and around the world, and know that we are doing everything possible to protect American interests in whatever way we can.

Our prosperity and wealth have long been excuses to defame and attack Americans in the past and likely in the future. Rest easy – your government and your fellow Americans are watching out for you, ensuring you safety in everything you do and everywhere you go.

God bless you, and God bless America.

dave