Holidays

It’s the most annoying time of the year.

I had a few rants about Christmas and other holidays. I decided to consolidate them into a single rant, capturing my feelings about holidays.


It’s Christmas time again. Lights adorn houses and apartment balconies. Stockings and tinsel line the walls of houses and restaurants. Stores proudly display signs of “Happy Holidays” and “50% Off” in their windows.

Ramadan, Christmas, and Hanukkah all occur this time of year. Christians and Jews often forget Hanukkah is a very minor holiday that has been blown out of proportion because of its proximity to Christmas. And what about Kwanzaa and the winter solstice? I don’t hear much fuss about those celebrations. How many people do you know that hang lights on their house celebrating Ramadan?

And so the phrase “the spirit of the holidays” has little meaning for me when all that I see are Christmas lights and the occasional “Happy Hanukkah” signs. What makes this time of year so special except that it occurs near the time of the supposed birth of Christ? If that’s the only reason I get a week of vacation next week, then you can take it back.

Also, why is it only during this time of year do people feel inclined to “get into the spirit of the season?” Why can’t they feel like that all year long? Why don’t those Salvation Army bell ringers stay outside all year long? I bet their donations increase ten-fold during the month of December, if not more. But if people were constantly reminded of the plight of others, maybe they wouldn’t feel so giving any more. Plus that ringing noise is REALLY annoying – I don’t think anyone wants to hear that all year long.

A friend gave me an Easter gift once that I really appreciated – these little pieces of paper with silly fake Easter pictures on them. One had Jesus hopping like a rabbit with an Easter basket and the text “Happy Easter.” The other had the same text but had a picture of an Easter bunny crucified. I liked that one best of all. Apparently these are from The Onion, so props to them…

jesusbunny

Hop, hop, hop.

easterbunny

Ain’t he cute?

I’m going to make my own Christmas pictures – Jesus crucified to a Christmas tree. Maybe even Santa crucified too… Here’s we go: Jesus is sitting in Santa’s sleigh, but the sleigh is broken and heavily damaged. The reindeer are all slaughtered, full of bullet holes, painting the snow red with their dripping blood. One of the reindeer is roasting over an open fire. Santa is dead, nailed to a cross, with a halo of christmas lights wrapped around his hat. Oh yeah, Jesus has a smoking machine gun in one hand and a blunt in the other. That’s my Christmas vision.

People all too often forget the symbolism behind the objects of the holidays. The Christmas tree was adopted from pagan holidays then given extra symbolism, wood for crucifiction, green for life and rebirth. I hope all you non-Christians who have a Christmas tree realise this before you put one in your house – they are more than simple symbols of the holiday.

At work, they’ve put a Christmas tree in the lobby, lights on the front door, and wooden reindeer in the lawn. My idea is to make wooden wolves to attack the wood reindeer then add some red paint for blood. I have friends who would help me with my idea if I asked, but I know if I did that, someone would take it too seriously and scream for blood from whoever did that. Oh well…

merry fuckin’ Christmas everyone

dave

One Reply to “Holidays”

  1. you’re an idiot… and by the way, Ramadan is based on the lunar calendar, so it will occur on a different date every year — not always in the winter, you moron.

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