Chapter 3: Advanced Slacking

The following slacking tips require a bit more effort, but can result in far more time off than the basic slack tips can. Also remember that these tips are much riskier than taking a long time in the bathroom, so use them sparingly so you don’t raise any suspicion.

Sick time = vacation time

A common misconception in the working class is that sick time is supposed to be used when you’re really sick. Nothing could be further from the truth. Your sick time exchanges one-to-one with your vacation time if you play it right. Yes, you’re calling in sick, but you’re gonna make this one good. Also, most companies won’t let you use sick time to cover your hangover, so you’ll just have to be sick with something else.

Be especially careful with this one. Some companies have policies requiring you to get a doctor’s note after being out for sevaral days. Other companies don’t have sick time at all, meaning you’ll just be cheating yourself out of your vacation time. In short, use your best judgement with regard to your company’s sick leave policy before trying any of these suggestions.

Here is a list of some common ailments, their sources, their symptoms, and their durations to help you on your way.

Your illness How you got it How you feel When you’ll be better
Food poisioning Dinner last night (restaurant or fast food) Like someone pried the contents of your stomach out with a crowbar. 24 to 48 hours
Flu or cold Haven’t gotten enough sleep lately, or maybe from a sick coworker, friend, or family member. Like someone stuffed your brain and sinus cavity with a lead pillow 48 to 72 hours, but you need to show symptoms when you return to the office

Taking a vacation at work

Why waste your valuable sick and vacation time when you can take a vacation right in your own office? Here are some sightseeing guides to get out of your office for a bit…

  • Always volunteer for any activity that gets you out of the office. This includes, but is not limited to, buying books, picking up lunch, and getting supplies. Convince your manager you need any of those items if the opportunity doesn’t arise.
  • Find a new part of the office you’ve never been to and go exploring. Make sure to carry around an envelope filled with papers in case someone asks you what you’re doing. Then say, “I need to get this to the <insert some department whose office is nowhere nearby> department.”
  • Start a new group office activity that involves getting everyone out of the office and doing something fun during work hours. Be careful not to do something lame like a group bonding experience, but rather something like “Demonstrate your work to your coworkers” day, where everyone can do some extra slacking and show off too.

Travel

Always volunteer for travel. Most companies have a per diem; depending on your company’s travel pay policy, this could become extra (free) income. If you get a blanket per diem, BOOYAH, you can pocket the whole amount, as long as you don’t have to justify or document your expenses. Eat candy bars or, if you’re at a conference, go to all the free events and chow down.

If you spend lots of time actually “working” on travel, see if your company has a policy of compensating you for extra time spent working. You could end up putting two weeks of work into one week of travel, then you can get that whole extra week back in time off.

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