Chapter 2: Slacking for the Masses

Now that you know what slacking is, let’s see how it can help you in your daily efforts (or lack thereof). This chapter is devoted to simple things you can do to take up time during your day, bringing that wonderful end of the day closer to your grasps. Without further ado…

The bathroom is your friend

Love the bathroom. It is one of the few places in your work environment where you can be free from the peering eyes of management and coworkers to do whatever you please. If you haven’t figured it out, I’m talking about the 4′ by 5′ space where you can be alone with your pants (or skirts) around your ankles. Bring a book with you. Maybe a crossword puzzle or two. Take all the time you need here, and then take 10 more minutes.

Unless there’s a bathroom monitor making sure that shit is coming out of your ass, you’ll be ok. Nobody will question why you took so long in the bathroom except maybe to make fun of you. And if someone does ask about what took you so long, you can come up with a convincing lie like “I had Mexican food for lunch” or “I’m lactose intolerant” or “Boy, did I ever get shitfaced last night!” Don’t waste your break time, just go to the bathroom.

Paperwork is your friend too

Nobody wants to do it. If you are doing it, nobody will say that you’re being unproductive beacuse paperwork is, by nature, unproductive. Yet paperwork needs to be done. So volunteer for paperwork, then take twice as long to do it as you really need. Nobody will notice. In fact, you’ll get kudos for “taking one for the team” and doing the paperwork.

Drink

Drink. Drink alot. Drink whatever drink you enjoy most – water, soda, juice, bourbon, whatever. Just remember two things:

  • The more you drink, the more you need to refill your drink when it’s empty. Remember to take the longest path to the water fountain or kitchen or vending machine or bar and walk very slowly.
  • The more you drink, the more you have to go to the bathroom. Reread that lesson if you need to.

Take up smoking

Note: themeat.org does not condone smoking due to the harmful consequences it can have on your health. But if you’re feeling a little fatalist…

Smoking gives you an opportunity to take many more breaks during the work day than non smokers. You can take a two minute break twenty times a day, and that doesn’t include the walk you have to take to get outside. Sure, that’s alot of cigarettes, but if you’re that desperate for a break, you’ll do it.

As always, take these suggestions with your job security, wallet, and health in mind. Try diet drinks and light cigarettes to ease your conscience.

2 Replies to “Chapter 2: Slacking for the Masses”

  1. heya Dave. Maybe i’m missing something but I think this slacking guide is missing an important note–using your desktop computer for slacking. Like web surfing. online games. IM. Also defensive practices. Like adjusting screen saver times. having a work doc around to ALT+TAB to in case someone walks up. Also there is advanced stuff like getting free pr0n over nntp from russian servers. Take care!

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