This is themeat.org’s guide to slacking. If you’re interested in slacking with regard to the Church of the Subgenius, you’re in the wrong place. For everyone else, this leads us to the immediate question…
What is slacking?
You probably have a friend who has a great job somewhere, who brags about how little responsibility they have, who doesn’t do anything that seems like real work, and who gets paid far more money than they deserve for doing such a simple job. We hate these people, only because we wish we had their jobs.
Those of us with “real jobs” don’t have this luxury. We put long, hard hours into our work just to keep our jobs. We only wish we had no responsibilities and could collect a paycheck for doing nothing. Alas, we like money because it keeps us fed and sheltered, so we keep doing our jobs, hoping they don’t lay us off and ship our jobs to Mexico, India, or another wretched pre-industrial country in some unfashionable corner of the world.
There is a way out of this.
Slacking is the skill of making it seem like you’re doing your job when you’re not. I say “skill” and not “art” because this is something that you can train to do, not something that you’re born with. Some people have a knack for doing nothing at work – that is called laziness. Always remember that in slacking, your goal is to make it seem like your working. In the end, you should always get your work done. Slacking is something that everyone can do at their job, and best of all, something that you can start doing right now.
But first, a disclaimer…
The suggestions discussed here are not for the faint of heart, nor are they for anyone who actually values their job. themeat.org and its authors take no responsibility for the consequences of acting on the advice given here. You could get chastized by your coworkers, lambasted by your management, or potentially fired. However, if you’re ready, it’s time to begin…
Your first assignment in slacking
So now I bet you’re pretty curious: “How can I get on board with this slacking thing?” Well, let’s begin with an easy slacking mission. Once you’re finished reading the next paragraph, go do it. See what happens. See how much you enjoy it. Then come back here and read on for more slacking instruction.
First, stand up. Next, walk throughout the entire office building. If it’s too small, go outside and walk around the building as well. If it’s too big, just pick a few sections to stroll around. And remember to take your time. Say a friendly hello to anyone you know and chat with them for a bit. If anyone is waiting for you when you get back, just lie – maybe you were in the bathroom or you had to run to your car for a minute.
Congratulations! You’ve just slacked! Instead of working, you took some time for yourself and got paid for it too. This is the essense of slacking – making non-productive use of your work time. In further chapters, we’ll discuss how you can slack in small or large quantities, and what you need to do to ensure that you never get caught while slacking.